Who am I?

Anchor Your Identity Amidst the Storms of Life

The purpose of this writing is to take a look at life’s disappointing circumstances through which lens we develop our beliefs about who we are. I am more convinced now than ever that we have a crisis on our hands. That crisis is misplaced IDENTITY. Many individuals are on a quest to label and identify themselves, and often don’t realize that the conclusive foundation their belief system is built upon are the shifting sands of trends, culture, dysfunctional relationships, lack of proper support structures growing up, trauma, and the list goes on and on.

Are you walking wounded? Do you have a broken heart? Have the words and actions of other people given you a negative self-image? Do you believe you have a talent or anything to offer the world? Do you hate yourself? Do you feel abandoned, rejected, or unloved? Are you able to receive love or believe that you are worthy of that love?

These are all very real struggles and valid questions. Struggles and questions I myself live day in and day out, for I am one of the walking wounded. I write this not to position myself as any expert or someone who has it all figured out. I write this to help myself, and hopefully others, identify the process through which we come to the ultimate conclusion that life may not be worth living. This is a very dark place—an isolated prison cell of its own.

I welcome you to peek into my prison cell as I wrestle with the entrapment that I have built around me, around my broken heart. A fortress that refuses to let anyone else “help,” for I now associate “trusted” people with pain. A strict guard of my own making, who might lash out at any given moment based on what my mind is speaking to me that day. It is extremely dark in here, almost to the point where I can’t even make out any other images or forms. Sometimes, I wish it would all go pitch dark, for it is much easier to lay down and let go of it all. To numb the pain into oblivion.

One cannot live life in this state, for it is a life not worth living. It is not life at all, it is a living death. Wounds are a dangerous and delicate thing. Left untended, they will fester and slowly spread to other parts of the body, seeking to kill everything in its path. The gangrenous toxicity of open wounds festering in the dark will ultimately destroy oneself, and not only the self, but others surrounding. The same goes for thoughts and beliefs adopted as a result of these woundings. The walls in our minds will close in and suffocate until there’s no life left.

It’s time to strike a match.  I invite you to now enter this dank, cold, lifeless prison cell of mine and sit with me a moment as we light a candle. A single candle, a tiny flame of light representing truth. This truth is unchangeable and unmovable. It is the rock-hard foundation that all beliefs must be built upon. Our life and vitality depend on it.

Can I ask you to do one thing with me as you first step into this prison cell and sit down with me? I ask you to do only one thing, and that is this: Hold On. Don’t give up. If you can sit patiently with me for these few moments as we light these few candles, then you will have persevered with me through the brink of my darkest night. Thank you for sharing this time of silence and of deep meditation on these flames of truth. You will be my witness, and we will walk out different. Transformed. All is not lost. I am still breathing…barely. For it is my heart that desperately needs to be picked up and put back together. Like a shattered jar with pieces scattered all over the floor. I don’t know who I am other than broken. Perhaps this is you too. Hold On! Light is coming.

Let’s dry my tears for just a moment as we gaze in wonder at the dancing flicker of hope. Mesmerized but this new thing, our eyes are alit with surprise as we realize there IS something other than this deep darkness surrounding us and my festering wounds. Let it alone. Don’t snuff it out, for it is real. It is sacred. It is truth. And we discover, there is a second candle and a second match. Scratching strike and fizzling flame. It seems the darkness has altered yet again and is not as deep. Images and forms are starting to take shape and can be discerned with the eye. This one too, must not be rejected, but allowed to glow.

Pleased with the light and warmth, we decide together to continue striking matches and lighting candles as we journey toward truth. The light inside this prison cell will continue to grow larger, brighter, and bring warmth and light to our eyes as we choose to gaze upon and absorb it, until it seeps into our hearts and rests upon our very soul, the core of our being, healing me from the inside out. At the end of this journey, we will be seeing so clearly, it’s as if the light of day is shining and the darkness is gone. It wasn’t real at all; it was only an illusion of reality. We can both now see where the door is, and that I hold the very key to unlock it. Slowly we stand as you watch me approach the prison door, turn the key in the lock, swing the door open wide, and walk right out into a new day.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” -John 8:32

“The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.” -Proverbs 4:18